In every relationship, someone generally takes control of the finances or takes responsibility for the choirs, children, shopping, etc. I understand that every relationship is different and we all have different schedules and responsibilities and that’s normal.

When is the power becoming controlling?

Generally, the first sign of controlling is stopping you from seeing family and friends or going out. This is not acceptable. No one should control you, the only person who gets to control you is you. Here are a few more signs of controlling:

These are as follows:

Emotional Abuse is an act that subjects someone to behaviour that could result in fear, anxiety, depression and character assassination and presuming you guilty. Public embarrassment where they make an example of you in public and ridicule you. Giving no regard to your thoughts and feelings. Treating you like a child.

Using children I know some dads have lost access to their children and again unless there is a valid reason, it’s so healthy for children to see their dads, even if you can stand your ex, it’s not your children’s fault.

Threats, like leaving you or cutting off privileges and making you feel so stuck in a relationship you stay out of fear. (If this is the case please see my book: The D Word, it will give you all the information to help you move on with a plan).

Using Economic abuse is one of the most used forms, controlling your bank and how much you have to spend, to where you are going each day and checking your mileage and your phone.

Chronic criticism of the way you dress, to the way you speak, to the way you eat and what you eat. This is not acceptable.

Using Guilt as a tool, many controlling people are skilled manipulators and use this to make their partner feel guilty and this makes the partner give up their power, which plays right into the controllers’ hands.

Take back your power, but you must do this as long as you’re not in a violent relationship. Again if this is the case The D Word When he’s got to go he’s got to go! It has lots of advice and charities that can help you.

Sometimes what happens is a partner will be overly nice to you and they will shower you with gifts and affection. They are love-bombing you! So you feel loved and secure, then a few days later it turns into an uncontrollable rage and you are walking on eggshells. Your emotions are feeling all over the place, from one day to the next, as you never know what you are coming home to.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone has a bad day. You might come home grumpy and upset, or you might have a row, but when it’s constant this is emotionally exhausting and you become drained. And little by little you lose your identity. You need to realise this is a person taking your control and power.

These are some signs to look out for:

They overreact at the smallest thing and become overpowering, you tend to see it when you’re in the car and they get uncontrollable road rage.
They brag or boast about themselves.
They seem to be insecure or uncomfortable around other people.
If you are a man or a woman, I have seen women control men too it’s a two-way street. So how can you stop controlling behaviour?

How to Stop Being Controlling in Your Relationship:

Self-esteem is key
Acknowledge therapy
Practice self-care

A few ideas to help you if you are the controller:

Do what you enjoy and bring you happiness so you lose track of time.
Therapy – people see this as a weakness, but I see this as a strength as owning your behaviour and you should be proud of yourself.
Physical exercise is really important
Eating healthy as this can really affect your mood.
Spend time outdoors as being in the daylight for an hour at least in nature, and in the winter as we don’t see much sunlight, take supplements that lift your mood, like Vitamin B, C and D.

From most clients I have seen, the control from relationships stems from childhood and seeing their parents’ patterns or low self-esteem. It’s not always the persecutor’s fault they don’t know how to stop it or change. I have added a few things that can help, if this is still a problem therapy tends to be the answer or talking through with a trained specialist, because they can get to the root cause quickly and effectively. Low self-esteem is probably the most common. I have a new book out next month with lots of tips about self-esteem and becoming more confident.

You will need to start building on your relationship with your partner to bring back that closeness, here are some examples of how to do that:

Showing an interest in the things they like and joining in if you can.
Working out together or walking in daylight and in nature will make you feel good and give you quality time together.
Learn what makes your partner happy and everyone is different.

I will give you a few examples:

Perhaps your partner loves physical touch and cuddling is great!
Perhaps your partner has always had a list of odd jobs to do, fix the toilet seat or perhaps he wants you to fix the hole in his jeans as some people feel the act of service is the way to their heart.
Maybe it’s just quality time together, as having children is a wonderful thing, but don’t get me wrong they can be a pain in the a**e sometimes and you need as a couple healthy times for your relationship.

Remember to have fun in your relationship! And next time I will bring my unique new style of dating which will bring back a spark to any relationship.

Good luck, remember we don’t come with a remote control, balance is key.